TSA Announces Ball Sack Scanner

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Many travelers avoid the ball sack scanning by traveling by car.

Many travelers avoid the ball sack scanning by traveling by car.

Criminal investigators discovered that every ball sack has a unique set of prints that can not be replicated, and which is even more reliable than the trusty old method of fingerprinting. With this new development, TSA is now planning on installing ball sack security scanners at designated checkpoints to provide the public with an added layer of safety and security. Sheriff Dick Armstrong explains “every person has a unique ball sack, and therefore every ball sack has unique set of prints” This can be sure to identify suspects of terrorism, and be used as a preventative measure in fighting crime. Starting in November, all people flying on international and domestic flights may be randomly selected for a ball sack scanning, including friends of travelers who are just dropping them off at the airport or bus stop. Republicans are complaining that security is too lax and everyone should be mandatory subjected to ball sack scans, including and especially women, or those pretending to be. Democrats complain that the security tactic is ineffective and criminals have already found ways of disguising their ball sack so that it can’t be identified. Democrats insist that a thorough anal scan is the only assured way to properly identify criminals. Unfortunately corporations that finance the republican party are already heavily invested into ball sack scanning technology and it looks as though the Democrats won’t be able to get the required support to mandate deep rectal penetrating scans for the American people. President Obama is ensuring the public that a compromise bill is underway to provide mandatory ball sack scans and anal scans for all Americans.

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