He Profits So You Can Save: When Jesus saves, he is also getting a really good deal!
The corporate sponsored Jesus will be known here on out as Jesus.
All through the streets people are cheering with glee, as they trample each other for flat screen TVs.
Just as Jesus intended, people are flocking to their local retailers for discounts you would literally kill for.
As is custom when celebrating the birth of Jesus you have to do it in high definition with no less than a 55 inch flat screen TV as it is prescribed in the your local store bible.
People are already getting into the holiday spirit, as six people have been trampled to death in the excitement for these incredible savings which can only help to dignify Jesus’ birth by immaculate conception.
We remember Jesus as he spoketh a message that would ring out for eternity when he uttered the famous parable “buy yourself happiness!” and gave the great sermon on the mall encouraging people to all “go shopping.”
What better way to celebrate the birth of our lord than buying a new iPhone, or XBox.
We all know that nobody has more money than Jesus, he just lived life filthy stinking rich, as is clear by his love for high end luxury items and his path of living a glamorous pretty boy celebrity lifestyle.
But now Jesus the almighty prophet and savior is going to pass on these incredible savings to YOU!
JPMorgan Chase Bank is now offering a special holiday platinum card for real savings, because if you’re looking to be saved, you will get special cash back bonuses every time you buy. For a limited time only, some restrictions may apply.
Every time you shop with your holiday platinum card make sure to think of Jesus and thank him for all the incredible savings and special rewards bonuses.
It was written in the New Testament that Jesus gave special powers to Santa Claus to be his ambassador on earth as a way to get people into the consumer spirit. Santa’s little helpers have since been working tirelessly around the clock in sweatshops across third world countries to make the consumer goods that will bring Christmas joy to all the girls and boys in America.
We recall the teachings of the gospels, how they preach a universal message to humankind telling us to go to the mall together and fight each other to buy commercial items at incredible low prices. With already six dead, and dozens injured, it looks like it’s going to be another great Christmas this year!