Chicago Upgrades Computers from Windows 8 to Commodore 64

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While Chicago get’s their shipment of 10,000 Commodore 64 systems they are re-writing the command prompt to include the Chicago star logo realizing that it will eat up an additional 16kb of memory, 20% of the total system resources.

The Legacy Is Best computer group convinced the tech council and affiliates for the City of Chicago to revert back to 30 year old technology in order to get things done on time and make hack attacks virtually impossible. “We love the new system,” Dart replies. “I know that when I type a word that it will appear instantly and not have to wait for the computer to catch up to be ready for my input.” Mrs. Schakowsky agreed that this is the best system in a long time “we know that our public works officials won’t be distracted by things like facebook or youtube and that we will not have to pay an I.T. department to fix issues. There are simply no bugs with this system and it is smaller, faster and easier to use than Windows 8.” We asked Steve from the Legacy Best Group about what went wrong, “As computers got faster and gained more resources at an exponential rate, developers took advantage of making sure that over this timeline of 40 some years people would be able to get things done less quickly in exchange for pretty pictures and special mouse cursors.” This new paradigm got the attention of IBM and they overnight released IBM OS/2 Warp 5 Rebound to bring a system that can live up to the responsiveness and resource efficiency of the Commodore 64 to users that have been use to Windows. We asked Dr. Barnes what this OS/2 Rebound offers, “Well our operating system is a beast in comparison to Commodore 64 which only needs 64 kilobytes of memory. Our system requires a whopping 8 megabytes of memory to run smoothly. Although with this extra memory users can run 3 or more videos, have the computer play chess with it’s self and allow the user to create a database in IBM Works all at the same time;  and it will do it on a 25mhz 80486 without a skip because of our true 30 year old pre-emptive resource dynamic multi-threaded multi-tasking technology that Microsoft could never get right, even with an exponential amount of resources in comparison. We also developed the only ever hardware protection layer that traps memory and address leaks BEFORE they crash the system to give you a chance to save your work and remove the cockroach that got fried in your computer. Ever since OS/2 Warp 3.0 we expunged all software bugs (caused by Microsoft’s involvement) back in 1994, an ongoing issue that continues to plague Microsoft today.” So departments that want to use their existing computers will like the idea of OS/2 over Commodore 64. However Commodore is reworking Amiga OS to compete directly with IBM. Commodore purports that their OS is written entirely in assembly and because of this their OS will be able to match OS/2’s capabilities but with only 640 kilobytes of memory instead of OS/2’s recommended 8 megabytes of memory. This has also attracted vast interest in the open source community to re-write Linux, called Feather, and all it’s tools in assembler to meet the Commodore’s 64kb limit. Bill Gates was quoted famously suggesting at Comdex in 1981, “640kb ought to be enough for anybody.” Anyone that questions the reputation of this can go to the University of New Mexico OS/2 Archive (Hobbes) and download the audio. That historical milestone lead to the creation of EMM386 and encouraged IBM to divest in Intel and invest in the PowerPC architecture to avoid the memory allocation limits still existent in Intel x86 processors today. Some blame IBM enforcing this limit and if they did, they were causing developers to practice the art of computer programming. If developers still consider their programs an art, then I’ll install a toilet with elephant dung in it in a gallery tomorrow and ask someone what they had to go through to clear the plumbing for their own creation. While multikulti struggles to keep their toilets clear, they manage to continue to get things done with an old Oliver typewriter which Dr. Greenlove observes “when I hit a key on the Oliver very hard it appears much quicker than on our Commodore 64 machine.” The owners of the Oliver typewriter company made no comment when they were asked if they would re-open their factory on 159 N. Dearborn Street in Chicago. The reporter claimed “I don’t see dead people.”

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