Jan 02, 15
“People need water, and people need to heat their homes and cook their food” says Barnie Bushwhacker from the company Frack America USA. Now fracking companies have come up with an innovative way for people to get both these utilities right from the convenience of their kitchen or bathroom faucet. Through high pressured horizontal fracturing, natural gas companies are drilling in neighborhoods around the country to provide a unique service, allowing the methane gas trapped deep in the earth to seep into the aquifers where they can be utilized by residents. Residents are already showing excitement…”now i can light my tap water on fire!” said Jacob Haughney of North Dakota.
Oct 10, 14
Doctors have discovered that millions of fetuses are suffering from a terrifying epidemic of Restless Leg Syndrome that can only be the result of the perhaps most severe outbreak of Attention Deficit Disorder the world has ever seen.
MONDAY – Slight chance of going up and down
TUESDAY – Holy shit we made it!
WEDNESDAY – Its raining again in the elevator shaft
THURSDAY – Good chance of delays
FRIDAY – Might hit some unexpected traffic patterns
SATURDAY – Sounds like someone is screaming
SUNDAY – Bats
MONDAY – Take nearest detour
TUESDAY – Oh shit we’re in the basement, what the fuck is this place?
WEDNESDAY – Look for reroute
Mar 07, 14
What the hell is the deal with judges and those black robes? Where else would you trust a person wearing a black judges robe? If someone was behind you on the subway and was wearing that robe you would be freaked out. You wouldn’t let someone babysit your children if they walked around in a black judges robe. If you saw someone in public wearing that black robe you would think they were in some kind of freaky medieval death cult. So how is it that we trust this person with upholding the law itself if we wouldn’t trust that person with absolutely anything else in our lives.
Mar 06, 14
Ever notice how gas has gone up to $4.38…and 9/10ths of a cent per gallon? Now, when you see a charge for 9/10ths of a cent…at this point you can know for sure that these oil companies absolutely don’t give a hoots about you and will try their very best to milk you out of every last dollar, cent, and fraction of a cent you’re worth. Yep, they put it out there boldly on display for everyone to see; totally shameless.
Mar 04, 14
Today, Dr. Nothing casually admitted that he had willfully clicked on an internet advertisement for the first time while he’s been surfing the web since he first came online in 1995. “I saw this ad…for a manual espresso maker…I was intrigued and just had to click on it”. He looked kind of ashamed, like he had done something terribly wrong. “I’ve clicked on ads by mistake a couple times before, you know just browsing the web, but this time I just had to find out more about this product.” Dr. Nothing always had a weakness for his vice for espresso, and with a machine that claims to work without electricity, he could not resist the temptation.
Mar 03, 14
When you need a ride from a total stranger, just look for the pink mustache, they will be more than happy to give you a lift! Take it slow or hurry up when you’re on the go. You just never know who might be your next pink mustache ride. It’s always a surprise when you see that pink mustache riding up your way.
Feb 28, 14
Today in an appearance by Governor Quinn at Loyola University, when pressed with critical questions about his political stances, Quinn put on his dancing shows and tip toed right out the back door, sliding out as the curtain dropped with people standing in their seats…shows over folks, and what an ending! “Hey Governor” people yelled “do an encore”. The crowd was rilled up in excitement.
Feb 28, 14
Criminal investigators discovered that every ball sack has a unique set of prints that can not be replicated, and which is even more reliable than the trusty old method of fingerprinting. With this new development, TSA is now planning on installing ball sack security scanners at designated checkpoints to provide the public with an added layer of safety and security.
Feb 24, 14
FEMA confirms report of a massive cootie outbreak in schools across the US. Undercover officials working within the Department of Emergency Management have documented evidence from countless sources like 5 year old Jimmy Thomson who said “Katie has cooties.”
Feb 20, 14
Today the Multikulti refrigerator was cleaned properly for the first time in God knows how long its been. You may notice it now has an unfamiliar fresh smell to it, which is far more pleasant than the mystery odor you normally get when opening the door.
Dec 15, 13
All through the streets people are cheering with glee, as they trample each other for flat screen TVs.
Just as Jesus intended, people are flocking to their local retailers for discounts you would literally kill for.